


Never Again

by the1crazycatlady



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Depression, F/M, Heartbreak, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 09:45:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2727734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the1crazycatlady/pseuds/the1crazycatlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically, a look at what made Severus Snape become so hateful and cold. Everything ranges from childhood abuse to heartbreak.</p><p>(I don't own Snape or "Harry Potter!")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Again

"Get your grubby hands off of me, dammit!"

"Shut up, Eileen."

Severus looks up from his DADA book, gazing at the paper-thin door of his pathetic bedroom. As usual, he can hear every cry, every spat, and every shout.

They were having another row. Always having rows.

"I said to let go!" Eileen Snape shrieks. Severus hears someone stumble back.

There's a crash, like a plate breaking on a linoleum kitchen floor. Severus closes his eyes and proceeds to use his long, greasy black hair to blind himself.

"Bitch! Pullin' yer bloody wand out! You never fight fair!"

"Give it back!" Eileen begs.

"Freak!"

"Tobias!"

Severus then hears something snap and he swallows, brushing his hair out of his face and looking back at the door.

_Not the wand,_  he thinks. An image of his mother flashes through his mind - she's below average height, rail-thin, and has a sunken face. Then he sees his father - tall, smelling strongly of beer, with lightless, forever-glaring black eyes.

She is completely defenseless. Severus whimpers, pulling on his hair to such a degree it hurts.

_Anything but the wand._

"Tobias," Eileen begins, her voice thin and quivering. "Tobias, listen to me. It's been a long day, you're drunk again-"

"Shut up," Tobias hisses.

"Tobias, please-"

"I said shut up, dammit!"

Severus then hears a sound he has heard so many countless times. He's heard it as long as he can remember: the sound of his father's hand making a sharp, quick contact with Eileen's cheek. Then he hears her furious sobs.

"Son of a bitch!" she spits. "Worthless Muggle! All you-"

And then there is another slap.

"All you ever do is  _waste_  the little money we have at the pub!"

Slap.

"Don't you even think about your son? Goddammit, your own flesh and blood?"

Severus winces when he hears it again. His throat begins to clench in on itself and he pulls his knees up to his chin, wrapping his bony arms around them.

"Why should I?" Tobias roars.

_Oh, no,_  Severus thinks in a panic.  _They're arguing about me again._  Those rows tended to get particularly nasty.

"He's just like  _you_!" his father continues. "A freak of nature! You think we have no money? Did it ever occur to you that we should be putting him to work, not sending him off to that bloody asylum?!"

"Stop it, stop it!"

Severus digs his fingers into his too-small pants and doesn't even stop when his hands began to cramp up. He wants this all to stop, just bloody stop.

"That child is worse than you are! I'll kill him, dammit,  _kill him_!"

The bedroom door suddenly flings open with a great bang. Severus jerks his head up just as his father storms into the room, followed by a hysterical Eileen. Severus gasps and instinctively reaches for his wand.

"Oh no you don't, you ungrateful little brat!"

Tobias grabs Severus's wrist and Severus cries out in pain. His father yanks him out of bed, his dark eyes absolutely murderous.

"Stop it, Tobias, stop it!"

But Tobias Snape just shoves his pleading wife forcefully back into the wall, then hits his terrified son.

The instant it happens, Severus Snape loses all emotional control and tears begin to stream down his face. Everything he's kept bottled up since  _that day, that_ horrible _day_ , it falls out of him. His father shouts horrid curses at him and Severus doesn't even care. Let Tobias beat him to a bloody pulp - Severus just wants to die.

✶            ✶             ✶

It was the O.W.L.'s. Severus had just finished his Defense Against the Dark Arts exam, but only  barely - the instant he'd written down the last word, Professor Flitwick had summoned his paper away.

There was an hour break before the last exam. Like most of the other students, Severus went into the courtyard to relax and prep. Truth be told, he wanted to go to someplace more secluded and quiet, but Lily had gone into the courtyard, so that sealed that decision.

Severus sat in front of a dense collection of bushes, safely engulfed in shade. He habitually chose not to stand out, especially with Potter and his friends - Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew - sitting less than a mile away, under a tree nearby.

Severus immersed himself in his O.W.L. papers, reading and rereading the descriptions of each test and the notes he'd scribbled in the margins. He knew there was no reason to fret over everything, but there was no harm in being studious.

Every once in a while, though, he would get distracted by the giggling girls at the lakeside. They were splashing their bare feet in the shallow water, gossiping about the latest who's-going-out-with-who.

Lily was beautiful in the sunlight. It seemed as though her head was on fire and her green eyes were like emeralds shining out in the shadows. Severus swallowed and looked back at his paper.

He couldn't concentrate here. It was impossible. So he stood up, deciding to go and find some quieter place. He stuffed his papers in his bag and began to walk in the direction of the school.

Then he heard the voice. That infernal voiec that always seemed to haunt his nightmares.

"All right, Snivellus?" James Potter called.

Severus had spent many hours preparing for instances like this. Instinctively, he dropped his bag and shoved his other hand into his robes. He yanked out his wand, but in the end was too slow.

_"Expelliarmus!"_  Potter cried.

To Severus's great horror, his wand flew out of his hand and went up some twelve feet, eventually landing on the grass behind him.

From his place beside Potter, Sirius Black barked out a laugh.

Severus lunged for his wand just as Black shouted,  _"Impedimenta!"_  Severus felt his feet fall out from beneath him. He could feel everyone staring at him, preparing to mock.

_No,_  he thought.  _Dammit, no._  He began to pant as he tried to get up, to fight - he couldn't move.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" Potter wondered. His voice was closer. He was coming in for the kill like the heartless monster he was.

Severus began to panic and made another effort to get up, but it was pointless. The jinx was too strong.

"I was watching him," Black replied, his tone vicious and with no pity, "his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Around them, everyone laughed; Severus wished he had an Invisibility Cloak so he could just disappear. He squirmed and looked up at Potter.

"You - wait," Severus panted. Potter smirked and all Severus wanted to do was get up and punch the bloody expression off his face. "You - wait..."

"Wait for what?" Black wondered. From his tone, you would have thought he was ordering dinner and had gotten into a minor disagreement with the waiter. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

Severus glared and shouted the first things that came to mind: the hexes he wanted to use and the swearwords he'd grown up with.

"Wash out your mouth," Potter ordered, his tone ice.  _"Scourgify!"_  


Severus's mouth was slimy, but fizzling and goopy. He gagged, trying to spit the pink soap out. It kept coming, and he began to find it hard to breathe. He spat and spat and spat. Around him, everyone was laughing and jeering...he felt so humiliated...

"Leave him  _alone_!"

A brief flicker of joy sang in Severus's heart when he saw Lily. But before he could latch onto the happiness and savor the strange, foreign emotion, he had to gag and looked away.

"All right, Evans?" Potter was suddenly a perfect gentleman, nothing like the jerk he truly was. Severus wanted to scream, to cry, to do more than just lie on the ground and do nothing!

"Leave him alone," Lily demanded. "What's he done to you?"

"Well, Potter began, slowly and coolly, "it's more the fact that he  _exists_ , if you know what I mean..."

Everyone laughed except for Potter's friend Lupin and - thank God - Lily.

"You think you're funny," Lilly hissed, "but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone._ "

Potter's hopeful response came before Severus could relish the joy produced by Lily's insult. "I will if you go out with me, Evans."

"No," Severus coughed out - no one heard him not paid heed to him because the 'no' sounded just like all the other hacks produced by the s _courgify_  hex.

And then, suddenly, he felt some sort of weight get slowly lifted from his body. He realized that the Impediment Jinx was wearing off.  His wand was only a few feet away. Spitting out soapsuds, Severus pulled himself towards the old, well-loved wand, thinking about all the spells he would cast at Potter.

Meanwhile, Potter himself continued, "Go on." He paused. "Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

_Almost_ , Severus thought, reaching for his wand,  _there._  


"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," Lily retorted. Severus grinned to himself and grabbed at his wand.

"Bad luck, Prongs," Black said to Potter. Severus whirled and aimed the wand at the latter. Unfortunately, Black saw him and pointed, sounding out,  _"Oy!"_  


_Sectemsempra!_  Severus thought.

There was a flash of light and Severus was happy to see a gash form on the side of Potter's face. Blood dripped from it and onto his robes. Potter span towards Severus, already aiming his wand.

With a second flash of light, Severus felt himself loose footing once more; his blood rushed to his head as he was levitated upside-down. He cried out as his robes slid down. The summer air was cold against his bare legs...or maybe it was the blood all rushing to his face that made his lower body so freezing.

Everyone, everyong cheered. Among the laughter, Potter's laugh was the loudest and most cruel. Severus's face was pink beneath his robes and he struggled to push the mass of black fabric back where it belonged.

"Let him down!" Lily ordered.

_Lily!_  Severus thought. He tried even harder to fix his robes. For once, he wished his friend would go away.

"Certainly," Potter replied. Gravity suddenly took hold and Severus landed in a crumpled heap, somehow banging the back of his neck against a flailing arm.

But there was no time for pain. Severus shoved his robes into place with a spurt of modesty and whipped up into a standing position, wand out. 

_"Locomotor mortis!"_  Black cried.

Severus couldn't move. He gasped and went back down, arms and legs gluing themselves against his body.

_"Leave him alone!"_  Lily shouted, her own wand out now. Severus was grateful for her, but he also just wanted her to let him fight his own battles.

"Ah, Evans," Potter sighed, "don't make me hex you."

"Take the curse off him, then!"

Potter sighed deeply and turned to Severus. His lips moved and Severus Snape jerked into a standing position.

"There you go," Potter said, "you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

It came out before he could stop himself.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

✶              ✶                ✶

The park of Cokeworth, England, is a nice little park with hardly any Muggle garbage. The play equipment is in good condition, and everything is up to safety standards, creating the perfect place for families.

To Severus, the park could be dilapidated to such a degree you can't even tell it was a park and overwrought with druggies. He feels safe there.

It was where he first met Lily.

He could never forget that.

Even though he's fifteen, and, therefore, way too old and heavy to be on any of the play equipment, Severus sits on one of the swings. It creaks a little beneath his weight, but doesn't break. He kicks himself off and proceeds to slowly go back and forth. His hair sways, brushing against his salty, damp face.

Severus sniffs, wiping his large beak of a nose on the back of his throbbing hand.

_Snivellus._

He hates Snivellus.

Sevures snuffles again and sucks some air in through his mouth. The night is cold against his aching throat. It makes his eyes prick and sting.

He blinks and lets it come.

✶                   ✶                   ✶

"I'm sorry, Severus apologized. He bit his inner cheek and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He couldn't bear to look into those eyes, those lovely green eyes, normally filled with joy and precious love, but now with nothing but hate.

"I'm not interested," Lily replied coldly.

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

Severus blinked and felt himself chocking. He swallowed in a vain effort to clear his throat. At last, he mustered up the courage to look at Lily. She was standing in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, arms folded across her chest. She had on a dressing gown and her crimson hair was spilled in waves down to her shoulders.

"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here," Lily stated.

"I was," Severus stammered. "I would have done. I never meant to call you 'Mudblood,' it just-"

"Slipped out?" Lily interrupted, voice pitiless. Severus looked at her helplessly, desperate to form words that weren't there.

"It's too late," she announced. "I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends."

Severus looked shamefully down at the floor.

Lily cried, "You see, you don't even deny it!" Severus jerked his gaze up, opening his mouth to say something. Anything. Lily continued: "You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be!"

_For you,_  he thought.  _The glory, the betterness...Lily...you..._  He was too scared to vocalize his thoughts.

"You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

She didn't say more and Severus opened his mouth so he could answer her question. But the only thing he could think of to say was the one thing he could never bring himself to tell her, not since that first day in the park all those years ago.

He chose to remain quiet.

"I can't pretend anymore," Lily said. "You've chosen your way. I've chosen mine."

She turned and it suddenly dawned on Severus.

This was the end.

"No," he protested. He said the first things that entered his mind. "Listen, I didn't mean-"

"To call me 'Mudblood?'" Lily wondered. Her eyes bored into his very being and Severus felt as though he was falling, like the ground had just disappeared beneath his feet. "But you call everyone of my birth 'Mudblood,' Severus. Why should I be any different?"

"You're - you're-"  _You're Lily!_  


Lily shook her head and shot Severus a look of hate -  _no, anything but hate, please_  - and turned, going back into the portrait hole.

"Wait - Lily, please," Severus begged. "You're - I-"

She slammed the portrait hole shut in his face just as he managed to bring the words to his lips.

"I love you."

✶              ✶               ✶

Severus weeps. He grips the chain of the swing set and rests his chin on his chest. Snot drips down, splattering onto the front of his shirt.

His pallid skin gets caught in-between the metal of some of the chain links. He gasps and pulls his hand off the swing. He looks down at his hand through wet eyes; blood is trickling down his palm from a cut between his ring an middle fingers.

"Who cares," he mumbles, wiping his hand on his pants and ignoring the sharp daggers that shoot through every nerve of his body.

Pain. What a pointless thing. He always knows when he's hurt, there's no need to feel it. Especially now. It seems like his heart will eat him away.

Everything he feels, all the pain he has received, it was all because he dared to feel. His father hits him because he cries. Potter and his friends take pleasure in seeing him angry. And Lily...

A tear drips onto his shirt. Looking around only makes him feel worse.

Why has he come to the park, sat on the swing? There are thousands of other, less heartbreaking places.

A snap of a twig answers his question.

"Lily?" Severus gasps, wiping away some of the mucus. He feels something he hasn't felt for the longest time: hope, joy, happiness...

A rabbit hops out from behind the bushes. Severus's emotions plummet.

Of course it isn't Lily. He is foolish to have thought so. He begins to kick himself back into motion.

What would he have said if it had been her, anyway? "I'm sorry?" He had tried that before - it hadn't worked then, what's to say it would work now?

Severus begins to pump his legs out in front of him, vying to get off the ground, to fly, be away from everything he ever knew...

Emotions were pointless. All his life, signs of this have been thrust at him, but he had had Lily - with her, everything had been perfect. He could forget the bad things for a bit.

Now he didn't have her. He couldn't forget.

Severus is finally flying, soaring, his greasy hair for once out of his face. He closes his eyes, savoring the peace, the emptiness. He feels nothing but serenity.

He swings backwards and is once again trapped by his emotions. They're clutching at his throat, trying to choke him. He looks up at the sky, yearning to always feel that empty peace.

He kicks out his legs with all the force he can muster. The sky grows bigger, and Severus lets go.

_Never again._


End file.
